Marriage With Twins!
by Diva Urd
Summary: What if Durnik led a life like Al from "Married with Children"? Read this one-shot to find out! PG-13 for adult humor. Please review


Some random insanity while I am working on gathering information for "Stranded in Eosia" (STILL!)... Characters will be OOC, as it is the purpose of this fic ;-)  
  
Disclaimer: Neither Eddings' Work nor "Married with Children" is mine, please don't sue me!  
  
MARRIAGE – WITH TWINS!  
  
When Durnik came home from work, Polgara sat in a chair, reading the newest issue of "Your God and You – Practical Advice for Female Disciples".  
  
His blank stare took on a resignated quality when he saw his wife. "Pol, where the hell is dinner – I'm hungry!"  
  
Polgara didn't even look up from her magazine. "The pantry is empty, Durnik. Go ahead and cook your shoe – at least we'll be getting our daily ration in fiber."  
  
Durnik stared at his indifferent wife incredulously. "The pantry is empty? Why?"  
  
Pol sighed and stood up. "Because you're a blacksmith, Durnik. You put shoes on horses – whoever would pay you enough for that to feed your family?!"  
  
'Arrgh, here she goes again', Durnik thought. "Well Pol," he said aloud, "if you actually got a job, we could feed our family without a problem."  
  
"Aww, come on, Durnik, you know that my only purpose is to make your life miserable and spend all the money you bring home – which is, ten copper pieces a month..."  
  
As if the word 'money' had been some kind of queue, hasty steps were heard on the stairs, and Luke and Leia [A/N: Yes, I know, kinda lame ^_^;] came down the steps.  
  
"Hi Dad," the boy said, "did you bring anything home for us?"  
  
Durnik shook his head. "No, should I have?"  
  
Luke glared at him, then turned to his mother. "Mom, why did you let him in?"  
  
"Because it is my house?!" Durnik started getting irritated.  
  
"Yeah, right, Dad," Leia now chimed in. "And fish can breathe underwater!"  
  
"Uh, Leia...", Luke commented that, "fish CAN breathe underwater!" "Sure, brother dearest – and you can grow a second head out of your pimples. By the way – what about that date with this Algar girl, did she run screaming from you when you pulled down your pants?"  
  
"Leia – learn how to count to ten, if you have the time between all your duties as the local mattress..."  
  
While the two youths bickered among themselves and Pol read on in her magazine, Durnik decided that he was in for some relaxation. An hour in the outhouse with his newest issue of "Udders" would do a body good...  
  
But he wasn't fast enough. Just when he had gotten his glossy magazine and made a few steps in the general direction of the loo, the door flew open, and Beldin and Vella made an appearance.  
  
"HELLO NEIGHBORS!"  
  
"Hi Beldin," Dunik answered in a dry voice. "You still haven't managed to get rid of the man-wench with the stinger, I see."  
  
"And you are still a blacksmith, I see," Vella shot back. "At least my Beldin can feed us with what he makes!"  
  
"I can see that – your hips remind me of those of a pregnant mare I had to shoe today..."  
  
"We just wanted to tell you that we won a thousand gold coins in the Mallorean lottery," Beldin interrupted the exchange of niceties between his consort and Durnik. "We wanted to see you grovel in misery before us and beg us to borrow you money – who knows, we might even listen!"  
  
That caused Vella to start laughing uncontrollably for some reason. Beldin joined in, pulling a large sack of coins out from under his cloak. They shook it so Durnik and his family heard the jingling of the gold, then they walked out of the door, still laughing hysterically.  
  
Pol put her magazine aside. "Why can't you ever win in the lottery, Durnik?", she complained.  
  
"Because to actually spent money on the lottery, we'd have to rent out our daughter as a love slave," Durnik muttered. Then his face lit up. "Hey, that's not too bad of an idea – it's not like she doesn't know every male Algar up close and personal..."  
  
"Forget it, Daddy," Leia, who had heard Durnik's musings, replied. "I need the money so I can afford buying myself a nobleman to marry – after all, a girl has to get on in the world..."  
  
At this remark, somebody knocked on the door. Leia strode over and opened it. A tall Murgo in tattered clothing and with an oily sneer on his face greeted her. "Hey Doll, let's go and have some fun in the neighborhood!"  
  
Leia grinned back. "Bye, Mom!", she called out over her shoulder as she closed the door behind herself.  
  
Luke, who hadn't said anything in a while, now announced in a somewhat shaky voice: "I have to go as well," and made his way to the door.  
  
"Don't you go molesting the deer again, son," Durnik called after them. "Your woodsey grandparents are big enough rednecks, we don't need another one in the family."  
  
A soft "damn" could be heard before Luke closed the door from the inside and ran up the stairs – most likely to instead molest the scarecrow that had miraculously vanished a couple of days ago.  
  
The sound of a door slamming sounded from upstairs, and Durnik sighed again. How could he have ever married and produced children?!?  
  
Again, he tried to grab his "Udders"-Magazine and make for the outhouse, when Polgara got up, walked up to him and tentatively asked: "Duurniiiik?"  
  
"Oh no, Pol!" Durnik recognized THAT kind of tone in his wife. "You've had sex three months ago!"  
  
Polgara pouted. "You don't love me anymore!!!", she wailed. That was when Durnik gave in. Better get through those terrible 32 seconds, than having her moaning at him for the next couple of weeks...  
  
"Allright, Pol, let's get this over with," he conceded and steeled himself for the duties ahead as his wife yipped with joy and ran up the stairs to their bedroom... 


End file.
